Motherhood.
That's my journey in life right now. As so many mothers have said before me, it is the hardest yet most rewarding JOB. A never-ending job. Sometimes I don't think I was cut out for this job. In fact, I didn't really ask for it. It just happened to me, and I happily accepted the challenge. I try to be the best mom for the girls, but I find that I seriously lack in some areas. Like patience. WHERE CAN I BUY THIS STUFF? It must have a pretty hefty price tag. Or like calmly using discipline to mold your children into wonderful little people. Maybe that comes with patience. Sometimes I go to bed feeling like maybe I yelled too much today, I will try better tomorrow. And the next day, I wake up feeling confident about the day, until two hours in Amelia's laying on the floor losing her little mind over clothes. CLOTHES. I'm about ready to ship her off to a nudist colony.
Your whole life changes when you become mom. Your marriage, friendships, hygiene, priorities, memory function. Oh and let's not forget about your precious, young, THIN, unmarked body. It all changes.
It gets pretty lonely, because you just can't meet your social needs from conversations with toddlers. Thank goodness its 2014 and I have all of my friends just a iMessage away. A "Hey guys, I'm losing my ever loving mind over here" text sparks a conversation where my friends pull me out of my funk. They laugh because I guess to an outsider it's funny, and tell me how much they love my kids. They tell me how happy them make them. And then just like that I feel better again. I feel picked up by my friends. I feel more connected. More power to those moms that survived motherhood before iPhones. My hat's off to ya.
And motherhood is scary. DEAR GOD, is it scary. You have these babies and your heart now lives outside of your body. You send them out into this big, scary world. Things happen before you are ready for them. There is a little girl in Amelia's class, and almost daily the two of them beg her mom and I to let them have a spend the night party. And we just nervously laugh and say things like "one day", but one day that mom is going to give in. And I'll jokingly say something like, "Ok, but only if I can come and sleep on the floor beside her!", but I will probably mean it. They grow up and make friends, and then lose friends. They get their feelings hurt, and they hurt feelings. They are exposed to good crowds, and bad crowds. What if they, despite your best efforts, end up with the wrong crowd? And I'm told that you can't put them in a bubble to protect them from all the evil things we all see everyday on the news and social media. You just never stop worrying. This is when I feel like a good mom. Crazy, but good.
This is stuff that is always on my mind, because it is always happening. I'm having a particularly hard time with Amelia right now. Four year olds are smart, stubborn, inquisitive, hilarious, sassy, exhausting, mischievous, chatty and IN YOUR FACE. I love reading articles and blogs about other mom's thoughts/feelings on motherhood. It helps with those pangs of loneliness to know other moms are going through it too. It's funny, as much as I can say about how I want to protect them forever, I can say just as much about how ready I am for them to grow up a little and make life a little more convenient and easier for all of us. But that's for another day...
21 August 2014
18 August 2014
Letters to Amelia & Stella
Amelia,
Today you started Pre-K!! You've gone to "preschool" for a few years now, so the idea of the first day of school was not new to you. You were excited, and ready to meet new friends. You are our social butterfly. You live for school time and playdates. When we go to the grocery store, you shout to the first person you see, "WHAT'S YOUR NAME??". I tell you that you don't have to ask every person you see what their name is, and you ask me things like how else do you make friends? And if we don't ask their name then they wont ask ours. You call out to strangers in the produce section to tell them, "Hey, you look beautiful today!" I have no worries about you making friends in school. I don't think you even turned to look back at us when your teacher opened up the door. I really love school for much needed ME time, but also because I know how much you love going.
I can't wait to see how much you grow this year! You're smart, kind, hilarious and beautiful. Basically just a 3 ft tall version of your momma. You make me crazy most of the time, but also so happy and proud. I love you to the moon and back!
* I took you to Target to pick out your first day of school outfit. I knew it would be a dress. IT HAS TO BE A DRESS. You found this "pink, beautiful" dress, and begged we go to the "try-on" room before we bought it. You keep me laughing.
Love,
Your Momma
Stella,
Today was your first day at Mother's Day Out. You did so wonderful on your first day! Which is so very surprising since you can't be more than 5 feet away from me at all times. You were unsure of "school" as Amelia and I tried to pump you up for it. We told you about going to play with friends, and you knew that meant one thing: Mom is leaving. Daddy went with us to drop you and Amelia off, and thankfully the drop off went smoothly. I had big plans for my first morning alone, but after an hour and a half, I just wanted to drive back to the school and watch you through the door to your room. It's funny because no matter how much I feel I need a break from motherhood, it is still like taking your heart out of your chest and dropping it off with new people who may or may not care for it like I do. But I pushed through, because TJMaxx was calling. And you can't ignore TJMaxx when it calls you. {You'll understand this in 20 years.} A few hours later I picked you and Amelia up, and you ran towards me like you hadn't seen me in days. You turned back to your teacher and classroom and said, "BYE FRIENDS!" You had a happy report from your teachers. I think it is safe to say we both enjoyed our morning apart at least a little bit. I'm already looking forward to next Monday, so hopefully you are too. I love you a bushel and a peck.
Love,
Your Momma
Today you started Pre-K!! You've gone to "preschool" for a few years now, so the idea of the first day of school was not new to you. You were excited, and ready to meet new friends. You are our social butterfly. You live for school time and playdates. When we go to the grocery store, you shout to the first person you see, "WHAT'S YOUR NAME??". I tell you that you don't have to ask every person you see what their name is, and you ask me things like how else do you make friends? And if we don't ask their name then they wont ask ours. You call out to strangers in the produce section to tell them, "Hey, you look beautiful today!" I have no worries about you making friends in school. I don't think you even turned to look back at us when your teacher opened up the door. I really love school for much needed ME time, but also because I know how much you love going.
I can't wait to see how much you grow this year! You're smart, kind, hilarious and beautiful. Basically just a 3 ft tall version of your momma. You make me crazy most of the time, but also so happy and proud. I love you to the moon and back!
Love,
Your Momma
Stella,
Today was your first day at Mother's Day Out. You did so wonderful on your first day! Which is so very surprising since you can't be more than 5 feet away from me at all times. You were unsure of "school" as Amelia and I tried to pump you up for it. We told you about going to play with friends, and you knew that meant one thing: Mom is leaving. Daddy went with us to drop you and Amelia off, and thankfully the drop off went smoothly. I had big plans for my first morning alone, but after an hour and a half, I just wanted to drive back to the school and watch you through the door to your room. It's funny because no matter how much I feel I need a break from motherhood, it is still like taking your heart out of your chest and dropping it off with new people who may or may not care for it like I do. But I pushed through, because TJMaxx was calling. And you can't ignore TJMaxx when it calls you. {You'll understand this in 20 years.} A few hours later I picked you and Amelia up, and you ran towards me like you hadn't seen me in days. You turned back to your teacher and classroom and said, "BYE FRIENDS!" You had a happy report from your teachers. I think it is safe to say we both enjoyed our morning apart at least a little bit. I'm already looking forward to next Monday, so hopefully you are too. I love you a bushel and a peck.
Love,
Your Momma
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